all the things i should have said
my darling minmin,
i hope you read the little note i left you. i hope you heard me when i spoke to you, before the crowd gathered at your wake. i hope you now have special powers that will enable you to read my mind because i can't seem to find the right words to describe all i'm feeling (not that you didn't have before). i hope you know that i've missed you and that i never stopped loving you.
these past couple of months have been difficult for us. i was very upset and hurt when you pulled away. you declined most of the time when we asked you out. you didn't ask me out. and when i tried talking to you last month, you sounded really distant. i felt as though you didn't need me any more. i wanted to call you out to talk about it so many times in the past weeks but i didn't. coz i didn't have the balls to. i feared confrontation. i feared losing you. childishly, i wanted to give you time to miss me. i blamed you for not wanting me around. please forgive me.
you have always been one of my constants. the one i turn to when i need advice. the one i can sampat with and tell secrets to. we didn't always agree with one another but we've always managed to work things out. ours is a friendship, a sisterhood, that will last forever. i just didn't know that physically, forever can be such a very short time.
i think you tried to warn me, a couple of hours before you left. i found out around 9pm on wednesday that you'd been admitted into hospital. i texted you but you didn't reply. i called daniel when i got out of my movie just after 11pm and he said that he'd just left your bedside - you're sleeping, it's thyroids but you're okay. i made the wrong wrong decision to wait till morning before visiting you. i was with chern at that time and, as he was sending me home, i felt strangely sad and told him, "i don't want to go home". but he was tired and we had been out the whole day, so i did. i sent him a text right after he dropped me off: "i am upset, i don't know why. my friend, the movie, you, me. i know you've given me the day but i really want to spend tonight with you." now i'm thinking, maybe you just didn't want me to be alone when i received the call.
daniel called me at 5am and i kept hoping that i heard him wrong. i kept hoping you'd open your eyes and say, "sarh-plise!" when i stood by your hospital bed. but you didn't move. your family, daniel, grace and i. we couldn't stop crying. i went over to normanton after they wheeled you away. the boys, grace and i sat there in silence. the apartment felt different. empty. there was a moth flying around. was that you?
the first night at the wake, after most of the people had left (and there were so many. you have so many friends. you just broke so many hearts), a pretty butterfly/moth (we couldn't decide which) flew around above our heads, dancing with the lights. was that you?
you're a conduit through and through. i've spoken more to some people during your wake than i ever did before. you brought together people who haven't seen each other in donkey years, people who have heard of each other but have never met, people who have known you in various stages of your life. we swapped stories of you and learnt more about you. and it made me miss you even more.
just before you had to leave home today, your parents very generously allowed me to gather with them, your siblings and daniel by your side. they've only had kind words for me these couple of days and raised above their own sorrow to give me some peace of mind. i hope that in answering your parents' questions, i've done the same for them. they bade me to pass this on to all your friends (and i really hope i haven't mucked up the gist of their message): "fengmin's spirit will remain with us forever. she made a sacrifice so that, in her passing, she can teach us many lessons. minmin chose to leave us when she's young, but in the short 26 years she was with us, she made sure she touched all our hearts and lived life to the fullest, with only the best wishes for everyone around her."
grace chua and grace feng, minmin's parents also wanted us to know that we're the ones she always mentioned when she met up with them. through all our ups and downs, she never stopped loving us and caring for us as her best friends.
ah feng, i hope you like your new home - 5th floor, unit 32 - all the right numbers. i will come round as often as i can. i hope you don't mind me putting your ring in with you - i don't think it belongs anywhere else. i will always have mine with me.
so many things i should have said and done that i didn't; so many reasons i will be missing you. please know this will always be true: "i love you also can".
