i think ah, the more i hate roaches, the more they will come find me.

so i proclaim: i LOVE cockroaches!
*use reverse psychology to brainwash roaches* (don't playplay, i got degree one ok!)

perhaps now they will leave me alone...*crosses fingers and toes*

I HATE COCKROACHES.

whether dead or alive, crawling or flying,
I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!

especially when they hide, then appear when you least expect them to.

scenario:
i'm alone in the office, lalala waiting for knock-off-time and i decide to do some filing.
lalala i walk to the cabinet and take out a new file.
lalala i saunter to my colleague's table and open the file.
lalala am just going to un-kiap the rings when i spot something.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*i jump ten feet away. heart palpitates. shockshock horrorhorror*

one fucking dead cockroach, turned-turtle, sitting nicely in the lobang that's on the spine of the file.

YOU DO NOT FUCKING SNEAK ATTACK ON ME THIS WAY!!!

this is the THIRD roach since i started work in the office 3 months ago. what?! monthiversary present ah?!?!?!

*moans feebly*

the things that break your heart when you thought there's nothing left to break

like i've been thrown out to the sharks and nothing will stop them from tearing me apart.
my mind addled with thoughts, confusion, and despair.
the drop of my heart, and feeling its quick beats thump loudly, in shock.
unstoppable pain coursing through my soul.

why?
i want to know.
and yet, i know i may wish that i don't.

i took half a day off work yesterday and went wakeboarding!!!

it was so good to be immersed in nature and to feel the wind in my face once more. i felt so free basking in the sun and getting towed by the boat. the vastness and saltiness of the water, the glory of the wide, open sky.

the thrill of riding once again - heel side, toe side, edge in, edge out, crossing wakes, jumping, and falling with gusto. two crashes that left me floating on the water (thanks to the lifejacket), helplessly wishing the pain away; a foot cramp that had me squirming for a long long while; laughter, shouts, and madman-like gestures.

and after it all, lying on the seat and having a quiet conversation as eddie drove us back to shore.

a huge dinner, a slow walk around whitesands, a sleepy train ride to toa payoh.

stolen moments.

sometimes silent, sometimes wild.
sometimes serious, sometimes silly.
but for those 6 and a half hours, it was always warm, sweet, comfortable.

just like it had been at the very beginning.

is it easier...

for guys to ignore?
for guys to stay away?
for guys to stop asking you out?
for guys to still their fingers and not sms?
for guys to refrain from picking up the phone?
for guys to just put everything at bay and seemingly forget?

do girls just think too much? or do they show to much?

or is it just me?

my sis showed me this sms and cracked me up:

one call: $5++
one golden tap: $900++
one toilet bowl: $2,000++
one peanut: $600,000

feng thought for 3 days and still don't know arhaha

answer: DAO-POK!!!

sooooooo......what do you call a proud pig?!?!?! muahahaha

after work last evening, feng ACQUIESCED to my gaigai request (coz she wanted to get her harry potty) and we met up with bai-ka-hock and sleepy-loon at borders. 6.30pm sharp. nobody tuuuuu-ed. FOR ONCE.

we ate at bk liat where hungry me gobbled down a whole mushroom swiss double + onion rings + fries. then we headed to takashimaya (very slowly, coz crutches couldn't move fast and kept whining haha) so that i can check out my shoes at onpeddar - only one caught my eye, but they didn't have it in my size (which is prob a good thing seeing that it cost around $450).

loon had a very stressful job carrying feng's harry potty. being a guy, he had a hard time keeping the paperbag uncrumpled, and ended up carrying it like an urn. but all's good. we decided to get ice cream and eventually sat down at the taka fountain like a bunch of trigger-happy kids after orientation. i reckon haagen dazs should engage us as their models, even though i can't lick sexily for nuts.

and when you bring together 4 photowhores, you can expect lotsa posing and sultry glances - like these of feng and loon...

and of course, photowhoring will never be complete without ah hock.

we went to coffee bean to await colin molin's arrival BUT HE DUA ME.

then we headed to party world (yes. party world the ktv. not my idea, but yes.) 4 hours in that little room saw me reading chinese words off the screen (fan ti zi ok!), watching truly horrendous mtvs, listening to feng's angelic voice, having hock and loon's singing prowess impress me, and murdering some really old-school songs.

yes, i sang. loud enough to be heard. got evidence ok! haha

got home at 1.20am. i'm super duper tired. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

so...feng beat me to it, but i'm still putting up photos of our council gathering!

the ACJC 24th students' council got together 5 years after graduating (oh so old, so old!). we no longer had our dusty comfy council room, we were no longer in uniforms and we didn't have to worry about teachers telling us what not to do. but as these photos will attest, some things never change... =)

eat eat eat! that's what we did! feng & i got the ball rolling by being the first ones (together with kee) to attack the food. minghui's yummy thai basil chicken, angela's fake-wahkee fried rice, mun's aglio olio pasta, yanfang's orgasm-inducing da paolo cake etc...we ate and we ate and we ate...*burp*

some things don't change - like our president minghui, the cockness of meng, mark & mun (and feng & me), and the feng-and-zenn lesbian act (with kwek silently finishing up the teh tarik ice cream all by himself)...

group shot of everyone who came (sans mark who's behind the camera). think this makes up about half the council (mun & i took the longest time trying to figure out who didn't turn up).

it was like a blast from the past. we said grace together before we ate, took lotsa photos, played pictionary (where everyone laughed at my lousy drawing of "wind"), had lotsa fun catching up, sang the council song, and minghui led us in a closing prayer before we left the good ole times and returned to our non-council lives.

till the next 24th gathering!
-----
photos courtesy of mark:

now......what do you call a proud pig?

ernie had a brief moment of wit and asked this question:

"what do you call a proud homosexual?"
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you'll know the answer if you're clever like ME
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DAO-GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's good to know that my rants brought out some intelligence haha
-----
e: if you're reading this, don't kill me. be proud!
-----
if you are gay, no offense...i love rainbows.

my arms feel numb and my brain's mush.

it's weird. a kinda achy, deadened yet suan feeling. with a little involuntary tremble.

hanging my arms down don't seem to be helping. attempts at improving blood circulation are just giving me a headache.

as i type, there is this gnawing, weakened sensation coursing through my arms and back.

very strange. what's wrong with me?!

you get a glimpse into another's life, and no matter how nice it was, it's not in your power to look deeper.

you're only allowed to go in as far as they let you.

sometimes someone carves deep footprints in my life, while i only leave behind a shadow from my wary, tiptoed dance.

since it's raining, i shall blog more.

returning to my first thought of today: the intoxicating taste of possibility.

at times i feel...drunk. no, not that i feel like puking/sleeping, more like it's all hazy and i don't know if it had really happened.

having had a taste, a touch. i want...more.

it's like a drug. and i'm addicted.

i'm enthralled by this feeling. but at the same time, it sucks - the uncertainty, the cold-turkey, the thoughts just spinning around in my washingmachine-head.

and the feeling that i'm all alone in this.

it sucks. big time.

r a h .

don't they EVER learn that it should NOT rain at going-home-time?!?!?!

someone once told me that sometimes i don't know how to keep friends - coz i don't ask people out.

hmmm i guess that may be true. i don't often ask people out. but not coz i don't want to keep them as friends, but...i guess my inferiority complex often makes me wonder why people want to even hang out with me.

plus i'm not really good with rejections.

i don't like to force my company on others. so i wait...for people to say "hey, want to meet up?" (yes i know i'm passive. i know it's not good. don't scold me.)

i can be boring. sometimes i don't even say much. if i'm with someone i'm comfortable being with, i can just be there and watch that person - which kinda makes me weird. i'm comfortable with silence. when i'm with the right person/people.

sometimes i don't want to do any of the planning. i just want to follow. i want to listen to the plans, or go with the flow of planless meet-ups. and i just want to...relax...take a chill pill...hang...

being out in a group, i often feel...nothing. i go out, i join in the activities i want to, i have fun. but i'm often the one who lags behind, or walks on ahead. i'm often the one who doesn't say much, and just...looks. it's like watching telly sometimes - all these people who are brought together by chance. a rainbow of personalities.

it's the best reality show ever. and it's nice that some of my closest friends are the stars.

or the ones watching along with me...

it's past 5. i can knock off now. but i don't have anywhere to go.

edmund called me last night when i was about to fall asleep. for awhile there, i thought he was someone else. mos tonight? cannot make it. don't feel like getting all smokey.

i want to meet my babes, but they're not off work yet. and feng is annoyed =/

no one else has any friday night plans that they want to include me in. =(

ok, i'm acting pathetic. i don't really mind and i'm not the must-go-out type. 'cept that i was looking forward to meeting a bunch of giggly girlies and painting the town red tonight. but 'tis alright.

maybe i'll go shopping by myself. hmmm what to buy what to buy...*does a little skip*

harry potty's out tomorrow!!! yipeee new book to lose myself in. hope it'll be good!

-----
warrauz i sound damn sad case. L O S E R ! *does the big L with the fingers on the forehead*

so...i took a 2-and-a-half-hour lunchbreak today...

junlin, xiang and i sat in maxwell food centre, which was surprisingly breezy and comfy (other than for the hard seats). we did emerge smelling a tad like fried food, but it wasn't bad at all.

it's nice, to be able to just sit and tuuuuu...to talk about some stuffs, and joke and laugh. the 2 of them are such little boys sometimes (actually, most of the time)...and we had funny squabbles that only long-time friends can have.

simple. entertaining. heartwarming.

and this time, we didn't get angry with each other. =)

i like the intoxicating taste...of possibility.

i just found out that "aneh" means "older brother" in tamil.

so you see, i'm not being derogatory when i use "ah-neh".

r e s p e c t!

i was going to take a cab down to east coast...just to have yummy meepok with mimi, russ, ah khoo and the rest of their gang...but alas...my hunger couldn't withstand their pigginess, tu-ness and last-minute-ness...

so i ordered pad thai from the tuk tuk restaurant next door...i ordered CHICKEN pad thai, but i got PRAWN. i said "with MORE PEANUTS", and i got NONE. i did, however, get lots of disgusting dao-gay and giant congs...(tian, you've been warned)...


pad thai...quite nice, but full of dao-gay and cong... eek...why is the tau-gua orange?


tian! LOOK! our favourite!


one thing i've noticed about this tuk tuk restaurant - they often have one or two people sitting outside during lunch time. and these people are almost always THAIs who SPEAK thai (loudly) and take a long while to finish up their meals...

can't get more authentic than that eh?

it feels good to have somewhere to rant.

am i telling too much? saying too much?

perhaps. *shrug*

but i have nothing to hide. and i take solace in the relief i feel after pouring it all out.

in writing/typing, i sort out my thoughts. i find comfort. release.

is this too public an arena to put some of my heart's tales? perhaps.

but it's my friends who read and understand them anyway. =)

liberated.

i wonder how i'd ever put up with all that.

i am strong! *flex muscles* and i'm glad i've gotten myself out of the dark hole and moved past everything.

i'm glad i've finally allowed myself to open my eyes to the farcical illusions i'd so tightly hung on to.

i'm not burying anything - it is my past, and it will always stay with me. all the beautiful memories, all the nightmares, all the sweet gestures, all the nothingness.

but i'm stowing them away. a lesson learnt. long-drawn out, but well-taught.

i lost someone whom i'd considered my best friend - and perhaps that in itself was an illusion on my part.

but i've found myself. the part of me that was often buried when in your company.

i'm not gonna take no shit from you anymore. i still want the friendship that was the basis of our relationship. but for me to stay a good friend, you have to be a good friend too.

familiarity and comfort doesn't mean diminished respect and regard. there were things that i tolerated, that i no longer will just stomach silently. there're things that i did that i now wish i didn't do; there are things i didn't do that i now wish i did.

before you expect something from someone, look unto yourself and see if you can do the same for that person.

i'm probably being mean saying this, but i don't owe you anything. i willingly did everything, and i guess i'm supposed to say that i expected nothing in return. but no. i did expect. i expected you to never break my trust, i expected you to respect me and everything i did, i expected you to be truthful.

it's the expectations that killed me.

do i regret? no. am i bitter? i don't think so. i still care. i'm glad that we can still talk. and i still love you. though no longer in that way.

it's a friendship that i still want to have. and i hope that you feel the same.

----------
"wish we don't get angry with each other the next time we meet".

i wish that too. fervently.

ok...after a whole day (at work) of fiddling with my blog, i present, MY NEW TEMPLATE!

it's only when feng pointed out that this girl appears on her blog that i realized..er..that she appears on her blog. and i thought i was being clever getting a blog skin with pictures drawn by the same artist. *hai*

i hate this scrolly thing that my posts appear within. is there any genius out there who can help this html idiot get rid of it?!!? pretty please with a cherry on top!!!


it's been a tiring day.

ah since i very evil-ly shocked people with my giant ka-zhua yesterday, i shall balance things out and show you guys a more..er..subtle baygon ad:


poor spideyman..

sometimes you think you know someone.

only to be proven so very, very wrong.

---

sometimes it's just not worth it.

if i have already lost, i will at least have gained some very happy days in my life.

considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.

i hate it when people mis-spell my name and call me ZEN.

especially when they are AUDITORS and are suppose to be CAREFUL and DETAILED.
especially after millions of email correspondance in which i sign off as ZENN.
especially since my email clearly states ZENN@... .

rah. makes my blood boil. GET IT RIGHT ALREADY!!! it's not that difficult!

makes me want to call her jesica instead of jesSica. then i'll whittle it down to esica. then esic. then sic. until she gets my name right. hrmph.

Dear Sic,

blahblahblah

Regards,
ZenN

yesiamanal.

i love the new heineken ad!

but i fucking HATE this ad:



traumatizes me every morning...and they just put up a new one, coz the old one got it's legs broken off (serves it right)! the new one's not gonna last long! (even though they put up stickers that warn of surveillance cameras hurhur stupid...)

sometimes, people say things to make me feel better

sometimes, people say things coz they think that's what i want to hear.

sometimes, people don't understand that i want the truth. always.

no matter how much it may hurt.

i like how thinking of someone can make me tingle.
this tingle that's tinged bittersweet.

i'm allowed to dream, yah?

i know i'm in reality, and i do sink back to it when i have to.

but it's nice to dream. just think of all the possibilities.......

*drifts*

am feeling slightly feverish...don't know what's up hrmph.

tired? can't be...i slept in yesterday, and was in bed for so long that i almost became the bed.

lethargic? definitely. i need to swim. i need fresh air. i need to run. i need to take a walk by the sea. i need to wakeboard. i need to yoga.

maybe it's the weather. maybe it's coz i've been cooped up in the office all day (other than at lunch, when i had my roast duck rice accompanied by exhaust fumes and cigarette smoke).

sidetrack: i'm so glad that, while i'm NOT glad that some of my closest friends smoke, at least they are considerate smokers. they do not blow in my general direction (blow, not fart). not like some nincompoops in the streets who don't give a hoot who their deadly second-hand smoke kills.


at times like these, i wish i'm out and about, perhaps taking a cool, autumn's evening stroll on the beach...or snuggling by the warm fire in a ski lodge up in the mountains...

*sighz* dreams are made of these...and more...

i'm feeling very silly...the stupid kinda silly...not funny at all...*sighz*

...life moves very fast. it rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds...

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss...


perhaps i am naive, but i still dream...even after some of the things that i've gone through, i still hope...

in relationships, i still believe that anything is possible, as long as both parties want it to work...

i've learnt that i'm not strong enough to be the only one doing all the loving. and it's not right either. i can make lotsa noise clapping alone, but it takes two hearts to make that applause mean something.

i've become wary, perhaps. more grown-up, maybe. i'm afraid, of getting hurt. but who isn't?

i still want to take risks, albeit more calculated ones. i just realized that i am rather impetuous, when it feels right.

i never thought it can happen so fast. a part of me wants it to speed on ahead. yet the more cautious part of me knows that i need to take things slow.

fast forward, stop. rewind, play.

my heart does alot of talking, and my mind too. it's like a war in here. yet there is also peace. thanks to you.

i want pure, simple love

fireworks and syrupy sweetness
fierce fights and golden silences
witty conversations and cheery laughter
serious decisions and spontaneous actions
knowing glances, strong arms, a shoulder to lean on
warmth

tender strokes and hungry kisses
comforting tv-watching and squabbly outings
domestic wholesomeness and naughty wildness
romantic dinners and noisy gatherings
trust, loyalty, respect, support
love

will it ever be mine?

what a way to dampen one's spirits.

the series of bombings in london came just after the announcement that london will be hosting the 2012 olympics.

in the span of mere hours, happy people with smiley faces and roaring cheers were brought back down to earth (or hell) with blasts, blood, and death.

the roof blown off a bus, train carriages blasted to smithereens, people bombed black. trauma, distrust, scars. wounds that will never heal. deaths.

innocent deaths.

how can one human being do such a horrible thing to another?

i'm feeling very disjointed today.

and my posts seem like such abstract, distracted pieces of jigsaw.

the incredulous look on the f&n lady's face. "oh you're zenn ah", she took in the long pants and high heels - very not dressed for moving heavy cans/bottles.

then she looked at ern - all corporate and looking in the boot of the car.

then she made a double take at the vehicle. i actually saw her eyes widen and the little voice in her mind going:

"this CHARITY came to collect dusty cases of 100plus in a BMW?"

not my fault it's the only vehicle available...not my fault my boss got nice car...

---------
materialistic yes, but damn, i wish that beemer's mine.

it's 6.50 and i'm all alone in the office. i've got lots of paperwork to deal with.

but i'm blogging. i'm in a pensive mood and all i want to do is sit back, drink water, and type out whatever comes to my mind.

had a pretty fun day today, driving stanley's beemer about town, collecting 20 damn heavy cases of 100PLUS and transporting them to storage.

thank you very much ernie, for helping me with the coolie work and being my gprs =)

ern treated me to lunch at din tai fung (even though i said it's my treat coz he helped me out all morning!). dtf's xiao long bao are still yummy - i tried the crabmeat one today too, and it's yumz! we had new zealand natural after (my treat!), and that brought back fond memories of when i used to drink at least a smoothie a day when i was in melbourne.

it's fun being the driver, after being the drivee/driven most of the time. and i'm glad i didn't kill anyone. nor did i injure the car. *proud beam*


YAY i'm going to samy's for dinner! whhhhheeeeeeeee!

TAZZY!
(my silent blog-reader haha)
happy birthday!!!

so sorry i missed it... =/

feng says i am being nininehneh. i'm hurt. haha

am so bored without msn that i decided to play with my old photos (got them off my sony imagestation website).

my first time doing a collage, thanks to tips from GetThat magazine that provided me with 3 simple steps to creating a picture collage.

bored bored bored bored bored...huh? do work? what work?......*in denial*

aussie aussie aussie oi oi oi!
(clockwise from top left) gracie, me & my purple uggs; with gracie & feng all ready for a wild night out; feng & i in grecko's loo; feng brought meowmeow (where's meow now ah?) to amber lounge; 4 smelly looks!

my my, barely 2 hours at work and i'm already so angsty.

i blame it on msn.

any IT nerd in shining specs interested in helping this damn-sel in disk-tress? *waves mouse feebly*

help! someone! ANYONE! HELP!!!!!!!!!

i am going crazy. my non-msn morning is driving me nuts.


and i hate sponsors who talk to me like i owe them my life. what? so you sponsor some little stuffs for my event and i'm suppose to kowtow to you and do your every bidding??!?! *^*&%&*@#!&

oh what oh what oh what is wrong with my msn?????

why can't i log in?????

is it coz i defrag-ed my comp last night? is it coz i always laugh at people online? is it coz i am destined to have no friends?????

boohoo woe is me.

i hate it when i come into the office early in the morning and have my msn tell me this:

Signing in to MSN Messenger failed because the service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later. 81000314

complete with irritating error sound.

argh. i feel like i'm missing out on the world (even though i don't exactly engage in many lively, morning msn conversations) hrmph.

i have a serious lack of graphics on this blog - i look at other people's blogs & they're all nice & cheery & pictury.

i need to bring my ixus out and take more photos again!

meanwhile though, i managed to unearth photos of my family. we went to penang for a weekend trip in may (free flights! all thanks to SIA krisflyer miles! haha)

with mum & fawn in penang

we waited damn long for that famous penang train thing..

mummy, fawn & daddy..don't seem to have a photo of daddy & me from this series..

i found this damn funny - penang's fine for littering's super cheap, only RM5.00. kudos to the person who put in that strategic dot. and kudos to my mum for posing with the (clean) tissue!

we woke up at dawn to this gorgeous sight...

view from the hotel balcony...wish i can see this everyday...

i am an ohmless pretzel.

my 10-time pass to true yoga has expired.

i'm happy to report that feng, ck and i have made the most outta our temporary true yoga memberships - we went for MORE than 10 classes (thanks to true yoga's screwed-up recording system), had showers, steams, massages......(oh the osim isqueeze!!!!!)

vijay's combat yoga and omkar's hatha yoga classes will be sorely missed. i wish i'd gone for more of christine's ashtanga class. i wish we didn't take that boring last ananda yoga class haha and i wish i'd brought that osim isqueeze home.

was tempted to bind myself to true yoga for a 3-year membership and become a full-fledged pretzel, but i've had enough of those evil-eyed nazis behind the counter. in the end, you could just see them rolling their eyes in their heads, whenever the 3 of us appeared (or is it just me?)

i'm sorry. i may not have been very nice at times, but i hate bad customer service and i hate it when people CONTINUALLY accuse me of using an expired card.

we went one day, and they said that our cards have expired (in a very rude manner too). they went to the backroom to run a check and made a big hoohaa making an announcement for our consultant to come & all, then come out of the backroom after awhile and just handed us the cards with a "thank you very much". wtf?!

this was repeated the NEXT DAY. and i think they accused us of using expired cards 3 days in a row. what kind of nonsense is this? it's not my fault that you don't keep your records straight, so quit looking down your long nose at me and accusing me of being cheapo and coming even after my membership has expired. nazi.

now i must look for more yoga places to try out. anyone with good places to recommend?

i'm talking in yoga speech. yes yoga, i go. yoga, no more. yoga, i must find.

this pretzel needs an ohm. quick.

MILK Run 2005 - finally, it's over!

my first major milk event tired me out and i crashed immediately after a much-yearned-for bath. being on your feet for an entire day in the sweltering heat is no joke. i was eventually caked in grime (i used a piece of tissue to wipe my legs and the tissue came away BLACK), sticky with sweat, and probably smelt worse than an ah neh (actually no, i don't think i can beat them, but you know what i mean).

and i didn't even run! was running the concert with a few colleagues (who did a fantastic job - it wouldn't have been possible without them. i am so incompetent), and there were so many hiccups it's not funny. but thank god it's over and i think we actually did rather well. *phew*

thank you feng (sleeping queen of the universe), ian (running king of the universe) and xiang (who surprised me by remembering that i had an event and drove down to sarport me!)!

now it's monday. i had such a tough time getting up this morning, even though i've had 9hours of sleep. my body's aching, my feet are not talking to me, and all i want to do is stay tucked in bed.

but no such luxury. i'm back at work, even though my colleagues at the beyond social services (that organized yesterday's Run with us) are all on leave today. how unfair is that!!! rah. =(

it's going to be a long day ahead...


man...what an uninspiring post. =/

fengmin planted a seed of hope.

the inkling of possibility
a new-found euphoria
the blanket of comfort
an element of intrigue
the distraction of attention
a fresh curiosity

i'm giggling once more. and throwing my head back and laughing freely.
my heart still feels, and for that i'm glad.
i want the light and the rainbow to wrap themselves around me.

i'm probably just being silly, but hey, it's been awhile since i last felt so sunny.

the dark times still linger, but i think i've learnt to accept.
i just hope i will not get run over once more.