gracie and i went for our $8 slimming and facial thingy yesterday...

we had a full facial (man the extraction shit hurt like hell), and a very interesting time with the slimming procedure......

we paid extra for a cling-wrap special - our fats (ewww) were massaged by this electro-something machine, then we got marinated in a special 'sauce' that made our skin go red, then got tightly wrapped up with cling-wrap...

it's a really strange feeling, to have cling wrap around your thighs, ass, stomach and arms...

it's like wearing a cheapo corset

i don't think i look any different haha but ahhhhh...it's fun......

gracie: my skin's not as red as yesterday already...now i can FACE the world..haha

i wana go for a swim... ...

someone deleted photos from my digicam..and i think i know who did it...coz i think only ONE person looked through my cam that day when i realised some shots were missing...

the fucking bitch who asked for my cam - i thought she's only gonna look through the photos i took at zouk (there're like, 2 of her? which i took only coz she's with one of my friends!?)...but NO...she scrolled through all the way back..and refused to hand my..i repeat, MY camera back to me when i asked her to...she just CONTINUED looking through my photos...

what the fuck, it is MY camera and you return it to me when i say so..not just sit there and look through everything, pretending not to hear me when i'm SHOUTING IN YOUR FACE...what, am i suppose to BEG you to give it back to me?

i don't even know you well - you didn't give me a good first impression, and now you've made it worse...and i don't know of anyone else who'd delete my photos coz everyone else who looked through my cam were my FRIENDS...so it had to be YOU, you fucking ah lian

or perhaps it wasn't you, but hell...your horrid behaviour's enough to make me not wana give you the benefit of the doubt...ARGH BLOODY BITCH!!!!!!

sometimes i wish i have the courage......

a friend dreamt of me sitting on the edge of a window (do windows have edges?) on the 17th floor...

should i jump or should i not?

i don't think i've ever been suicidal...in fact, i think it's a rather stupid, not to mention ugly, way to go...it may take me away from all the shitty things and all the confusions, and perhaps it would solve some things for me...the easy way out, so to speak...but i don't want those left behind - those who love me - to have to live through it...

i especially don't want to hurt my parents in that way...

i've often felt like i'm sitting on a window..debating on whether to jump and escape, or to turn and step back into the room...

these days it seems like i'm just perched precariously on the sill...waiting.... w a i t i n g . . . . .

i can't believe this guy had the nerve to molest my friend in zouk last night...that asshole..he'd better WATCH OUT!!!!!!

when are cab drivers suppose to start the meter?

once you get in the cab (includes time spent telling him where you want to go, and him pondering over how to get you there)?

or only when they start driving off?

i'm covering the lexicon avenue gig this sat at zouk!!!!!!

wooooohooooooo it's an unpaid job..but ah well..just do for fun and exposure...

it's for frontallabs...all my babes and hunks out there, get into your clubbing gear and come down to zouk for some great (i hope) music...i'll take photos and send them off to get them published! =)

many many thanz to mark (tay) for this lobang!!! *MUACKZ* =)

i hope i don't screw up...... =/

sometimes writing in my blog can cause misunderstandings and over-reactions

i often write to question myself, to put forth my point of view, or those i've shared with friends
sometimes they're just spontaneous thoughts
sometimes writing things down just helps me put my thoughts in order
other times it helps me breathe more easily
sometimes i just write coz i want/like to write

i'm not targetting anyone..i'm not looking for anything...

i just write coz i love to write

am i that weird?
am i that demanding?
am i that green a monster?
am i that hard to please?
am i that difficult to understand?

is it wrong to want security?

isn't it simple? just love, mutual respect and the understanding that yes i am yours and you are mine...you can do everything you want to do - i don't have to be with you all the time to feel contented...as long as you give me the security, and show me that i can trust that you won't do anything to hurt me

why is it so simple a concept to some, yet so complicated to others?

why do i allow the smallest of things to affect me in the greatest of ways? looking at a photo can send me into the worst of moods, a single gesture can make me cry, a word unsaid can send me into depression.

why do i let my emotions take over?
why do i let my insecurities pull me down?

i have icky toes...... =(

i have tau huay zui craving......

i drank insomnia-inducing teh tarik just now...... =/

my room's a bloody mess

i'm still living outa my suitcase - the clothes that i've worn and have been washed are folded then put back into the suitcase

i'm trying to clean out my wardrobe of the stuffs i don't wear anymore - now everything (wanted and unwanted) is on the floor

i have look for empty spots to tiptoe on in order to get around my room

i can't see the surface of my desk

i need a maid
i need to not be such a lazy bum
i need to clean my room

*sighz*

i am flabby
i need to exercise
i haven't been exercising since i came back..and i feel like shit

wanted to run today when i was at NUS..but i was too lazy to bring my running stuffs and change of clothes and shoes and etc......

now i regret

i wana cry when i look at my tummy...i spend hours raiding my cupboard for clothes to wear out coz i look shit in everything...i feel my big ass jiggling and i feel like just sitting on it more in the hope that it'd get squashed back into smallness... *bawls*

i try to stop eating but food's so yummy..i need to eat less but if i don't clean out everything on my plate, SOMEONE says 'God will punish you' (complete with hand gestures and looking up to the sky)......

h e l p

i am RICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or so i'd like to think......haha got a cheque for my 6 days' work at an event...YIPEE DOO DAA DEEE!!!!! i finally haf some money...it's when you get the money that you realize all the work and the boredom was worth it...hehz

i'm going to bali for my next event...woohooo just got confirmation today that i got the job...don't have the details yet, but i sure am looking forward to it! =)

i still need to get a full-time job man...~ i wana go into news broadcast...anyone with lobangs?!?!? HELP!!!!!!

still can't get over the fact that newsradio wants male presenters instead of females..what's with the sex discrimination man?!?!!

i should write something but i'm so tired...brain not functioning...alot of things to write, but am not really all that bothered to type it all down...

i love my new puppy-paw-print stool from zouk flea and easy!!!!!! =)

i was in a car with drunk people last night and i had a ball of a time...pet's so funny when she's drunk..and the guys too..it's like watching a movie...and i drove xiang's car round and round coz i didn't know how to get to town from clarke quay - i went on 3 expressways in the span of 10minutes wahaha bloody drei suppose to give me directions but he fell asleep...woke him up to give me directions and he went "aiya just drive lah i'm sleeping" =/ but hey, i got the car to pet's place in one piece ok!

a bloody taxi almost killed us...he just came into our lane, right in front of us and jammed his brake..then put on hazard lights (so say the guys - i didn't see anything coz i's so scared i closed my eyes)..then he went back to the other lane..BLOODY IDIOT TAXI DRIVER!!! if xiang hadn't managed to brake in time, we'd all be in the morgue by now...high speed can! we were like an inch away from a car crash... (ok maybe i am being dramatic..but it was bloody scary)

i don't like being a fairy =/ it's bloody tiring, embarassing and retarded...and so many of the staff at UOB (bedok) are so unfriendly...BITCHES ALL!!!!!!

i don't think i am fairy-material...

i wanted wings.....all i got was a blue, chingchong chang-er dress that had bits falling all over the place, and a bloody hair-piece that made a bloody ah pek go "ehz chang-er your hair is dropping"

i think i've played a million games of solitaire over the past couple of days......

work (if you can even call it work) at this event's SO BORING...today was made a tad more bearable only coz we stealthily ate leftover pastries and stuffs that we stole from the conference foyer after the delegates ended their coffee breaks...*feels like i've gained a few pounds after today's 'indulgence'*

i'd be queen of blisters AND solitaire AND spider solitaire by the time it's thursday...

i am suffering from a serious lack of sleep and it's making me grumpy...i even have eyebags (that are bigger than my eyes) and i look so haggard... ~

what am i still doing online at 1.29am?!

*waits for hair to dry...checks mail...gets disappointed coz newsradio replied and said they're only looking for male presenters now (do they tell male applicants that they're only looking for females?)...chats...yawns...discovers my hoopy earrings on a stack of cds by the comp - no wonder i haven't been able to find them... ... ... eyes on auto-shut mode*

i can't do anything if you can't fucking trust me

i love my girlies..i'm so glad i have them...

i feel so lucky to have them to lean on when i'm down, and be there for me when i fall...

i've never been one to spend loads of time with a group of girls..but hanging out with my babes have made me realize how blessed i am to be part of this group now..it is so wonderful how we're each so different from the other..and yet we can still hang out and have good, relaxing times together..

the support, the laughter, the shared sorrows and bitchiness - thank you babes for being here with me...

it is so bloody annoying that my dad won't allow me to take the car...

i've had my license for more than A YEAR & a half..and still he doesn't trust me with it...it's not as if i'll race around with it - i just don't want to spend money on cabs (as if i HAVE money)!

i think i am a responsible driver..and i will never become a better driver unless i get to practice..

i think sometimes i drive better than him - yes he's more experienced, but he is also old and nehneh...

i'm gonna work hard and buy myself a car...then i won't have to ask him for any favours and i won't get myself into a bad mood just coz he won't allow me to drive...

i want my lexus sc430......but right now, i just wana drive my rav 4......

a good pair of shoes will NOT give me bloody blisters

just like how a good man should not hurt me...... =/

i had to shower one-legged today..coz of the giant blisters i got from my new pair of pointy heels...then i tried to wash the blistered area coz i want it clean - OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!!!! *miserable look*

and work was hell today...poor feng and i had to suffer at 1230 to 2000 hrs...with NO BREAKS ALLOWED...BLOODY HELL!!!!!! i was hungry and one of my co-workers (like ants) helped ask the person-in-charge if we can go eat since it was a lull period anyway...but NO! the bloody pregnant woman said we can't...in the end a friend sneaked off and got us food that we had to eat sneakily under the table...

the worst thing was, she went downstairs a few hours later, and came up with a doggy bag for HERSELF...what? just coz we help out we're not HUMAN?! just coz we're not PREGNANT we don't need FOOD?! *grumble mumble rant and rave*

i'm just glad feng's there to rant and rave and write notes and do stupid things and stone together with me...... =)

after work, went for dinner with feng and deb...then tu here tu there, lala here lala there, walked damn alot with my blistered feet..in the end went to outside boom boom room to say happy birthday to bernz...wanted so much to go in coz i've never been in before..and wanted to be entertained by kumar in the hope that he'll (err, she'll?) get me outa my bad mood..alas, zenn has no money.... =( *sighz* another time i guess......

feeling so much cleaner after my shower now....gone with all the dirt and grime accumulated over the hours (ewww gross)...i've been feeling so bloody nehneh these days man..and acting so absolutely gu niang i can't stand myself...argh wat's wrong wif me?!

sometimes i feel like i am used toilet paper

why am i so bloody stupid?????????????

sometimes i think HOPE will eventually kill me

is it wrong for me to keep hoping that i will get what i want?

expectations bring about hope (or is it the other way round?) - i expect alot from myself...is it so wrong for me to expect certain things from some of the people around me?

am i unreasonable in the things i expect?

am i being foolish when i hope for what i hope for?

i feel like i still live in my own lalaland

i think i need to grow up - in the way i behave, the decisions i make, the things i do, the way i think...

i think i need more reality - in the way things work...in relationships, friendships, business...the complexities of the different layers of people interaction...

i think i should be less idealistic and quit hoping

i think i need to learn how to be myself and yet try to fit in this world

sometimes i think i should be ruthless and kill myself in order to live on

milan's like the male, darker version of me when it comes to relationships...

are our simple concepts of love & trust so unfathomable?

"Authority is given to the man in this patriachal society we live in. There
cannot be an imbalance of power and love within him. The woman will suffer from
the oppression of his power if he lacks the same extent of love to judge and
decide on what is best and fair for the two in a relationship."

the man wears the pants?
the woman will suffer unless the man loves her as much as, or more than, she loves him?

bombings outside Aust embassy in Jakarta - how many more innocent lives are going to be taken just because of a minority group's warped thinking?!

"turn left where the blue indian is standing!"

MUAHAHA blue indian...smurf gone wrong?

our ghosts will always haunt us...

i just hope that mine will be happy casper-ghosts......

i am not worth it

i can't handle it
i am sorry

my computer is fucked up!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!

weird windows keep opening, things keep stalling; blinking lights, hung sites - ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!!! this comp's so slow a tortoise'd crawl faster than it...i think it is just so burdened by everything in it that it's going on strike...woe betide my dad and sis if the comps dies - it's all their fault!!!!!

you'd think that, as major users of the comp, they'd take care of it...but NOOOOO! they save everything on the desktop - and i mean EVERYTHING! i've cleared links to webpages, strawberry shortcake pictures, documents, etc etc etc etc etc........... EVERYTHING's all over the place...now i've got a junkyard of a comp to work on and it screws up everything i do...

i want to use my laptop again...and leave this rubbish bin to them...

but i don't know how to set up my wireless thingy...... ARGH!!!

and i saw the perfect puppy yesterday but i couldn't bring it home...coz my dad doesn't want to have a dog in the house...why? coz he doesn't want the house to stink...i'm like, i can take care of it so that the smell's minimal...like the pet farm i saw the pup in didn't even smell bad!!! what kind of a dumb excuse is that!?

the pup's so cute, so gorgeous, puppy-dog eyes (DUH?!), so quiet and well-behaved for a jack russell, yet still playful and licky..and he's from MELBOURNE!!!!!! his pricetag of $888 is steep..but i'm willing to work and pay for him...i've been wanting a dog since i was...BORN!!!!!!

with 3 out of 4 family members agreeing to having a dog, why can't the odd one out just give in?!

i've come to realize over the years, how important it is to have the support of good friends...and that good friends are hard to come by...

i see so many different footprints in my life...but so few have actually come this far with me..and i don't know how many are going to "go the distance" with me...

i envy those who have childhood friends...unbreakable bonds forged by nappies, ninja turtles & carebears, first-day-of-schools, seeing-each-other-in-gaudy-clothes, getting-into-trouble, ups and downs...shared, irreplaceable moments from years-gone-by...

the closest i have to such a friend dates from my communist DHS days...

maybe i'm a late bloomer..haha but i am glad..to have the friends i have right now...who have been there for me all this while...and who have nursed me whenever i fall...

i hope that i am, to them, the friend they are to me...i hope that even with my weirdness - my mood swings, tempers, quirks and ugly sides - they know that i love them and will always be here for them..

the forming of a (hopefully) lifelong bond is a gradual & beautiful process...and it takes 2 hands to clap..i hope that the music of all the applause i am hearing right now will never die off...

i am..surprised....pleasantly so...

i didn't know that people actually read my blog... =/

comments, support, words of wisdom, shared personal tales - thank you all for that...i feel blessed with friends who care...

confusion aside, i AM happy...especially since my darling feng's back from perth! thank you dear for the yummy mango sauce!!!!!! (i know it's yummy even though i can't bear to open it haha)

all the girlies are back on homeground...let the party begin!!!

even though i know that it'd be better for me to love someone who loves me more than i love him, why is it that i fall deeper and deeper? till i love him more than he loves me?

i guess that'd be great...except that maybe he doesn't even love me anymore?

there is a war going on inside me..and i don't know how to resolve it..

i know i'm wrong...i don't dare to take the plunge..i feel like i don't know my new pair of shoes well enough to do so...i'm scared of making a mistake...right now, i don't dare to take the risk...i don't want to hurt anyone...but i don't want to get hurt further either...

and i really am trying my best not to lead my new shoes on...coz i'm not that sort of girl..right now i'm just confused...right now i just want everyone to be friends and i want to know each shoe better so i can decide...and i think i've made it known to the new pair of shoes...

i enjoy my time with my new pair of shoes...it treats me really well, and cares for my every needs...but it's new...and i don't know much about it yet...i need more time...

my old shoes have come and gone...sometimes it gets lost...but somehow, it always seems to come back..and i don't know why...is it because i haven't decided to stow it away, or is it because it still fits so wonderfully that i don't want to lose it again?

can i love my new shoes more than i love my old pair?

"love someone who loves you more than you love him"

that's what my mum tells me...

be with someone who cherishes you
be with someone who knows how to take care of you
be with someone who appreciates you
be with someone who can tolerate you
be with someone who can be trusted
be with someone who respects you
be with someone who makes you laugh, and whom you can laugh with
be with someone who can make you feel like you're in heaven, yet keep your feet planted on earth
be with someone who won't hurt you

be with someone you love
be with someone who loves you more than you love him?

is it right to just go with the flow, even when you know that you shouldn't?
is it right to be unsettled, when you really should make up your mind?
is it right to sit on the fence, even when it is unfair to all?
is it right to have the best of both worlds, when really you are entitled to only one?
is it right to go against your beliefs, because you are confused?
is it right to follow your heart, yet not know for certain what it's telling you?

i am a pig

i ate bah chor mee, prata (one kosong, one cheese & mushroom & egg), bah chor mee (again..but soup one this time), chicken wings..all in half a day....and i ate so quickly (shovelled..like, totally unglam, 10000-years-never-eat shovelling) that i got a tummy ache... =/

went errand-running with xiang (he-who-almost-lost-his-wallet) yesterday..massage, then met tony to register their songs with Compass (errr composers and artistes something something management something something)...rather interesting..learnt how composers and lyricists and performers can earn money from their songs...

finally got to see xiang's little room at eusoff hall...it's small, yes, but surprisingly new...i was actually expecting something much dodgier than that haha woe to his neighbours who have to suffer through his guitar-playing..wahaha

had a good time with ian after that...he brought me to thomson (why does thomson look so strange? did i spell it right?) for prata!!! it's yum! one of the best cheese and mushroom (even had egg in it) prata i've had....mmmmm

and we went to visit debra at her shop in holland....ahhh so many nicenice clothes...but so EXPENSIVE!!!!!! the shop's strangely sandwiched between 2 'restaurants', and you had to climb up a flight of stairs....but the decor was beautiful - very clean, very...i duno...but i like...haha and the clothes - australian brands - my favourite...haha sighz but so so expensive...... ~

then ian and i went puppy-hunting!!!! woohooooo haha so many cute ones...no jack russells though....i hope i get permission to get a dog....really want one so badly..have been yearning for a puppy since i was....born (?).....*wish wish wish*