death

will take me away from hurt's reach
will release me from love's pain

i don't want to feel/think anymore

make it all go away.

and while i'm on the topic of food, bedok corner has the best hokkien mee and fried rice in the world!!!

ok maybe i exaggerate, but i've been eating this old couple's hokkien mee and fried rice since i was young and i'm absolutely in love with both dishes. they are d e l i c i o u s !!!! i went cold turkey when bedok corner underwent renovation/up-grading, and now that everything's up and running again, the fat zenn will get even fatter!!! *drool*

oh and i also went to island creamery at serene centre over the weekend and the pulut hitam ice cream was yum!!! it inspired my mum to make pulut hitam (the real kind) the day after! definitely worth a visit, if only to look at the various types of exotic ice cream - apple pie, tiger sorbet (made of tiger beer!) etc.

stick biscuit eaten with chocolate dip - meiji has made this simple snack even funner (for want of a better word)!

it has come up with something new to make eating yan yan (little red cylindrical box, half chocolate, half biscuits?) even more exciting - by adding "fun lines" on the biscuit sticks!

you get things like a little cow face followed by the words "COW MUUUUUUU", a little mole face followed by the words "MOLE HOLE", a little horse face followed by the words "HORSE GALLOP AWAY"...you get the idea...

quite cute ok! shows that you can learn something from eating biscuits.

also, as i was searching for a photo of yan yan (i gobbled mine up before i could take photos), i found out that there's a yan yan fansite (-_^)

mark cheered my dreary day up.

so sweet he came to have lunch with me. i had been all alone in the office, and veryvery bored.

it has been awhile since we got to spend some time together, what with him being in the US and all busy. we went to this soup kitchen near raffles place, and had yummy yummy chunky mushroom and chunky chicken soup. just the thing for a rainy day.

had quite a few laughs and time passed quickly, as it always does when i'm having fun and talking alot of nonsense (and having nonsense told to me).

he taught me the secret of choep-ing seat using an umbrella, we updated each other on life and family and friends, and spoke about how we've aged (nono we're still young! *in denial*), about work and how clever people get paid for doing nothing, about getting fit and set for life, and about pongpongs and pompoms.

yes gracie, i told mark about your clever student. the conversation went like this:

grace was teaching her students about edible and inedible fruits, and one clever pupil mentioned a pongpong, which is an inedible fruit. so grace talked about the pongpong, until this one boy raised up his hand.

grace: yes?
boy: miss feng, i know why pongpongs cannot be eaten.
grace: why?
boy: because pongpongs are use for cheerleading.

*cue mark's momentary silence, then him dissolving into laughter that lasted 2 full minutes*

damn cute right!
i don't know how i will answer that
oh grace laughed then went on to teach spelling p-o-n-g-p-o-n-g and p-o-m-p-o-m
oh! is that how you spell it?
*stares* yes mark. p-o-m-p-o-m!
i duno! my teacher never teach me
... ... ...

so you see, gracie, you did a good thing. now at least one class in red swastika wouldn't have to go all the way to uni without knowing how to spell pompom.


mark and i also decided that "LATE" is the new "FUCK". we established that "LATE" is a bad word, and can be used in many ways, just like "FUCK":

LATE! (said very loudly and accompanied with a stamp of the foot - when very angry)
oh late... (mumbled, said under one's breath - when resigned)
l a t e (stating a fact)
wah laaatteee (drawn-out - when you cannot believe something has happened)


i learn something new everyday.

the shallowness.

the fake smiles, the too-loud laughter, the superficial talk, the hey-i'm-gorgeous-look-at-me behaviour, the awkward silence i was suppose to fill. what's the point?

am i judging? yes, i know i shouldn't but i guess i am.

i'm not saying that i haven't been guilty of such actions. maybe i was just having a bad night.

but it all came caving in on me. and i was disgusted.

i felt like i was on mars and these people were in a completely different world.

i left. disillusioned. and utterly alone.

----------
xiang and gracie: thank you.

on this "evil" day, i found out about organ transplants.

last night, yaoqi asked us for information on organ donations in singapore - he needed it for some GP thing. in the event of sudden death, who gives authorization for organs to be donated? do you have to sign up to be a donor? etc etc... xiang and i gave him blank looks while our minds searched for info on this, and came up with next to nought.

so i yagoohoogled and asked my colleague about it when i came into the office today. this is what i found out:

according to the human organ transplant act (hota) of 1988 (and amended in 2003), all singaporeans and permanent residents above the age of 18 and below that of 60 are automatically organ donors - a system known as the opt-out program. this excludes muslims though, coz of their belief that they should die "whole" - so for muslims, they have an opt-in system, i.e. they choose to sign to be organ donors.

so for all non-muslims: unless you choose not to be a donor, your organs can be taken from you, by law, in the event of death.

i vaguely remember receiving a letter about this, but don't think i paid much attention to it. at the age of 18, i was feeling rather invincible, and the face of death had not yet made itself that known to me.

now, 5 years down the road, at the age where my peers are getting married and my friends go to the wakes of people our age, death seems to loom.

in my dark hours, i've oft thought of how it would be like to die and disappear from the face of this earth. will people miss me? have i led a meaningful, fulfilling enough life to even be worthy of the release that death brings? how does it feel, to die? a sudden blank in a quick death? the beautiful torture and numbing pain of a long, slow one. which would i choose? if i even had a choice.

always on my mind, is also the fact that the vulnerability of humans may mean that any of my loved ones may leave me before i'm ready for them to go (if i'll ever be ready). how will i handle it? right now, the devastation of not meeting up often is enough to make me go crazy. how will i feel if i'll never get to see you again?

i try to grasp every day. because i fear. i fear that i will lose you. i fear that i will never touch you or hear your voice.

and i fear that you will never again hear me tell you how much i love you.

friday the thirteenth.

things are bad enough as it is.

how wonderful it is to have an official day for yet more darkness to envelope me.

photos photos! everyone's posting up photos so i too shall hop on the bandwagon!


celebrated netty's birthday at villa bali last night, with hilarious R-O-C-K rock, yummy lamb thing, cute young waiters (i like darren!), a very pretty waitress and loads of alcohol!

helly - why aren't you back!? we ate up your birthday present......*hangs head in shame*

1st sergeant feng and ferry corsten netty

gracie is whiter than my top!!!

ah hock TRIES to be handsome

i look like a fishball!

went to ulu changi chalet for wendy's 21st and had a night of laughter and yippee dippy pinkiness...

altogether now! (sans one)

lap it up - wendy sits on tian's lap, the cushion sits on mine, des' arms sit on his

hock's very afraid that someone (prob colin needing to do his dance) will steal his tap-a-light

the wind blew and altered des' features, while colin shows us how real sexy models pose...

these from quite awhile ago - the night of 1st april. after a not-very-full meal of free steak sandwiches at morton's, loon, hock and i met the rest of the gang and ended up at rouge.

it was the first time i could truly say that i went for "drinks after work" like some atas shentonite arhaha

we trooped to rouge after my first (tiring) day as a full-time workgirl/milkmaid...

3 of the prettiest babes in the world (i'm so glad they'r my friends haha)

gracie puff

aiyo damn act cute...

colin-the-molester gets caught redhanded (it's a camera trick, really!)

"one can be a good man by one's own merits.
but it takes two to make a great man."

i want to be that other half.

introduced some friends to something, and now it seems to be causing more trouble than fun...

though i know that it's technically not my fault, because i didn't want it to turn out this way, i can't help but question if i'd made a grave mistake and it's all coz of me that my friends are now in a difficult position.

when i myself haven't gotten as deeply involved as some of them have, it is they who have to bear the greater weight while i stand silently by, powerless. i can't do anything to make things right. my words seem useless, my presence pointless.

i can only stand there, and hope to comfort and give wise suggestions, help think things through and try to make things better. but even then, i fear my thoughts will be shot.

i dissolve, into nothingness.

sometimes i feel like i do the wrong things, all the time.

decisions made, that are causing me long, drawn-out pain...
decisions made, that i can't seem to let go of, to escape from...
decisions made, that i do not regret, yet i wish didn't go so wrong...

is it me? or is it you?

it wasn't hot today - for the first time in a week (or more).

the long rain finally cooled things down and i could wear jeans and not sweat like the horse i was patting.

horse? what horse? zenn, have you gone absolutely bonkers?

i've got a million scattered thoughts choking me, but i swear this horse is real. coz i was at the singapore polo club!

was there for the launch of the pony club - where kids get together to learn about horses and how to ride and build character and discipline etc...

it's mostly expats there...and only the occasional asian...oh but the little ones're so cute! all dressed up in their riding gear, running around and getting muddy...so many angelic faces framed by blonde curls...

and the horses...so sleek and shiny...i held out my hand to one whose head was sticking out of the pen...the rough rubbery tongue wet my entire hand with one curious lick haha nice...

didn't get an opportunity to ride any horses...perhaps next time...

the bitter taste of losing something i hold so dear.
the panic of feeling it slip away into nothingness.
the pain of silence.

notice of a parking offence
description: stopping within a demerit points 'no stopping zone'

RAAAAAHHHHH! drove to town last night to catch a midnight movie - the 3hr-long Kingdom of Heaven - and went to the kopitiam at selegie for supper.

we parked along waterloo street, on DOUBLE YELLOW ZIGZAG lines (whatever they are officially named)...the brief thought that this was wrong flew out the window...coz hey, 3 cars leh - strength in numbers, somemore we parked where the road ends and the construction work starts - not obstructing anything!...plus ian has always parked there and escaped unscathed.

ooooo the feeling of walking nonchalently towards the car after supper, eyes-widening when you see that alien piece of paper kiap-ed by the windscreen wiper, the slow-motioned "NOOOOOOOOOOO" screaming in your head, the reaching out with trembling hands, the words on the paper jolting you into the darkest of moods...

my mum didn't help much, giving that exasperated look when i showed her the paper, and telling me that it's at least a $150 fine plus demerit points.

argh bloody annoying...whywhywhy does this have to happen!? damn stupid, damn sway!!!!!! now my parents will have one more excuse for not letting me drive out.

a great man left us on monday.

i did not have any personal contact with the late dr wee kim wee, but from the news and stories i hear, he came across as a very genuine, down-to-earth man.

a humble beginning, a journalistic career, a great diplomat, a president who touched many ordinary lives...

in fond memory of this extraordinary man...

the people's president - dr wee kim wee

it's a long weekend, yet i'm feeling a little down. glad that i don't have to go to the office, yet upset about not getting to spend this free time with some people.

let's see how things go today.

on a happy note, i finally bought my ipod mini. wonderful mummy went to town with me and swiped her uob credit card so that i can get the free skin and 40% off applecare deal (i paid her back ok! first time i withdraw $500 at one go from the atm!)

so exciting! it's pink, sleek and gorgeous and in a class of it's own. ahhhhhh *gazes lovingly at ipink mini*

i just downloaded some songs into it but i need more. tell me what songs to download!!! i want nice ones (duh)!

my lovely ipink mini...