zenn bites...

this year has been an eventful one that has opened my eyes to many things about myself and the people around me.

in the quest to learn more about myself and to understand what exactly is going on with me, i've seen that i am weak, overly emotional and way too sensitive about things.

i do not have the strong will to make a definite decision on the direction certain things should take...i do not have the courage to change a course...i do not have the strength to start afresh...

i procrastinate and i hope that things work out by themselves...i hope that what i say and what i do spontaneously can help me decide where i go...but it doesn't work that way does it? coz my mind and heart are weak and my thoughts and feelings often contradict...sometimes i don't know which one to listen to...sometimes i allow one or the other to lead the way, then they switch roles in the midst, and i am left all the more confused and dejected...

sometimes i feel lonely, and i know that the only person to be blamed for being in the shits is myself...coz even if i attempt to start on something anew...i may not have the courage to follow it through...certain setbacks hurt me alot...and sometimes it is difficult to get out of a hellhole without a helping hand...other times, i feel i just refuse that hand, and, for some reason or other, i choose to continue wallowing in the dark...

i am afraid of losing what i have...or what i think i have...i am afraid of losing what i can have...but perhaps this fear, is making me an even greater loser...

sometimes i feel that i should just stay in my little cocoon and not come out...so i won't hurt anyone...and i won't get hurt

but if i do that...i guess i will never learn......