zenn bites...

très sombre

being in my mid-twenties and on the fast track to the big three-oh, i'm seeing more and more friends getting into "serious" relationships, getting hitched, getting all "adult". while, at times, i enjoy my solo flight through life and scoff at being held back by anything as unreliable as a huMAN, i do so envy these friends and the coupley things i'm missing out on. there's this addictive charm about being in a relationship that seems to wash away whatever bad aftertaste previous relationships had left behind.

once bitten, twice shy. not.

or perhaps i've just not learnt and still remain hopeful.

in my little bubbled world i'm still waiting for that prince charming to sweep me off my feet. that one perfect match of mine who will never cheat on me and who will respect and love me for who i am. the "other half" to share my past, present and future with, to throw knowing glances at, to spontaneously laugh at a private joke with.

i don't think i've been very aggressive when it comes to searching for my him, and have, on more occasions than i can remember, been termed "passive". while i'm fully capable of admiring from afar and stalking via facebook/friendster/blogs (ah, the wonders of technology), i just can't seem to bring myself to take the lead. the fear of being rejected, the very asian worry of being too "forward", and my mum's drilling in of "it's better to be chased than to do the chasing" kind of override my yearning to take the first step.

it is rare to be attracted to someone at first sight, to feel that tension, that tingle, and even rarer to, from there, build it up to something substantial. when i do feel it, it's somehow always with the wrong kind of guy - either non-committal or committed to somebody else.

a defect on my part perhaps, or maybe i'm just "difficult", as one friend once put it. and as i get older, my social circle is growing smaller by the second which makes meeting new possibilities all the more impossible.

for now, i live in my lalaland where i share secrets with my imaginary partner and pretend that i have someone's hand to hold on to and someone to cuddle up with. (boy, it sounds like something out of a horror film).

my turn will come. i hope. but when somber thoughts take over and the loneliness sets in, it will never be soon enough.

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speaking of films, i finally caught le scaphandre et le papillon and had tears streaming down my face for a full ten minutes when papinou spoke to jean-do over the phone. i wouldn't wish that on anyone.