zenn bites...

mortality.

sometimes it strikes from out of nowhere, this acute realization that hey, i'm not going to live forever. i mean, i know that i'm not immortal, but sometimes i just don't think about it and i procrastinate and leave things to the future. "i can try that next time/do it later/there'll be other chances" etc. famous last words.

death scares me. the darkness, the unknown, the loneliness. and even though i know that relief can/might come from death, it still seems like such a...somber thing.

will i go with a bang (and in a mangled mess)? or will i pass on quietly, with peaceful dignity?

if i die tomorrow, will people still be sending me sms-es coz they don't know that i've gone? will i get a friendster message worded in bad english 2 weeks down the road, asking if i care to be friends? will my blog stay on the web forever, with its last post not quite conclusive?

the fragility of a human life.

sometimes it may seem like we're all so important - making up this earth and moulding our world. but we can just cease to exist in the next moment. and who will remember us then?

all those people who have lived and died; all those who have carved their paths, walked them well, then left them to be taken over by overgrown weeds - what do they leave behind? a legacy that perhaps can inspire future generations, but is eventually cast to the back of one's mind? or something more tangible?

what will i leave behind?

i guess the positive thing to say is, carpe diem. we don't know what's in store for us in the future anyway, and we don't know when we will be removed from humanity, so why not seize the day? do whatever we want to do, live life to the fullest (and all those other appropriate cliches)...

i want to live a happy life, learn as i grow, bask in love, sing a song of sixpence lalala. i want to have a funeral with my loved ones mingling and having a fantabulous time celebrating what/who i've been. i want to go with a certain contentment.

but i don't want to die, yet.

(no, i don't know why i'm filled with morbid thoughts. yes, i know i just ended my post rather abruptly.)