zenn bites...

CAPS IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES

It has been a year since I got into this job and I still haven't really decided if it was a good move that I made. Sure, the pay is decent, and the traveling is without doubt one of the best perks, adding to that all the free time I have whenever I'm in Singapore or overseas. I shouldn't have any complains, really.

It is like an extended holiday with work fit in every now and then. A few hours here, some long hours there, but once the hours are done, my time is mine, and mine alone. I should be thankful that I even got in in the first place, and trust me, I am. I love being free as a bird, but sometimes it does get tough.

After a particularly difficult flight, or when I've been alone in hiding for too long, I start wishing for things I don't have, and the melancholy sets in.

The thinking never ceases.

Every now and then, I wish I have something a little more stable. A nine-to-five desk job with goal-filled errands to run, dressing up each day in "executive wear" and looking all professional and bringing work home, not having to deal with ever-changing faces and serious jetlag, not having to miss special days, special people, special times.

The grass is always greener on the other side, maybe. But I used to roll in those grass and sometimes, I think they really weren't all that rough.

Work aside, a stable relationship is also something I have been craving for. Besides my family and my core group of friends who have seen me through my ups and downs, bore with my moods and psychotic episodes, and given me so much support that I can't imagine life without them, I wish I've found that special someone.

Yes, I am greedy.

As I grow older, I still hold on to that naive dream of falling in love and being with someone forever. To start the day in his arms, to have someone to share thoughts and ideas and a life with, to quarrel, to laugh, to have hot sex, to fall asleep all tangled up together. To know that no matter how screwed up I am, somebody willingly loves me and wants to be with me.

I guess older doesn't necessarily mean wiser.

I've always thought it would be fairly easy - if two people want to be together and stay together, nothing is impossible. But something as simple as that, seems to be so difficult to find. The right person, the wrong time; the right person, the wrong mindset; the right person, the wrong me.

Or maybe, I've just always been with the wrong people.

I think I think too much and I think I need to find things to occupy my free time with so that I will stop thinking so much.
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It is now 3.33am on Good Friday and I cannot sleep. I have been sleeping a lot less lately and my body clock is all screwed up. I need to move it (move it) and I need to get back on normal hours and have my beauty sleep coz I'm ugly enough. I need to sleep so that I don't think coz that's what I'm doing now.
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On a happier note, I am really looking forward to my holiday in the Big Apple (if I don't get bumped off the overbooked flight there). Fingers crossed that I actually make it there.
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Wow it's been a long long while since I last wrote so much in prose.